Not sure how I am feeling...

I have realized over the past several days that I am not quite sure how I am feeling. In my mind, it feels like I should be a little more uneasy and uncertain of my surroundings. That the adjustment to the new environment should have been more difficult. However, at other times, the fact that everything is so different, and different, AND DIFFERENT is wearisome and frustrating. The length of time it takes to go anywhere or do anything is unbelievable, in turn, taking a great deal of patience and/or a completely different state of mind to grasp. So, I have opted for doing the best I am able to and embrace the moment and the culture. It is very trying at times, but an amazing experience none-the-less. I know it is completely God’s grace that is helping me to feel comfortable, safe, openminded and accepting of the differences I encounter on a minute by minute basis. It is not all smooth sailing, and there have been and still are some very trying times, but for the most part I am in awe of this opportunity.

I will have to say I have begun to miss the comforts of home. A soft bed, cozy sheets, fluffy comforter, consistent electricity and water, clean air, exercising outside, driving, washing machine and dryer, close friends and family are some of the top “misses”. But, then I look at my living conditions, my ability to go to the store when I need food, the option to call a taxi when I need a ride, a wonderful church in walking distance and I am ashamed for even thinking about the quote on quote things I lack. It is tough to see the conditions of more than half of the population of Nairobi living in a slum. It is indescribable and devastating. It is hard to understand why some people are so privileged and fortunate and others lack so much. I am realizing this is weighing so heavy on my mind and truly breaks my heart...

As I am writing this I had to take a break to shed a few tears. This is actually helping me release so many of the emotions I have yet to deal with since I have been in Africa. It is almost like I have put on a hard shell to help comprehend the severity of some of the situations I have seen, in a way to help digest and keep going...yet I am still trying to figure out how and when to process all that I am encountering. The one thing I keep relying on and gaining strength from is that God is in control and has me right where He wants me. I keep leaning to Him for the guidance, peace and strength to continue taking steps in a city, culture and continent I am just beginning to learn and understand.

"When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted."

~ Psalm 138:3